So everyone in awhile when im completely bored i feel like i have to write a livejournal
so the last weeks have been a rollercoaster........ i still have so many questions
What if what your looking for cant be found?
I really dont know me and the beau are kinda having some problems it seems like we are always fightine so we decided every week to take a day or to apart. Oh sunday i went to a show at soma it was pretty sweet theirs this band called pistolita which i love.........
Dont really know what else to say other then BLAH (which is how i feel right now)

I just dont know anymore........
Why do i alwayd manage to fuck things up
but what if things were fucked up before?


"I drift away to a place
Another kind of life
Take away the pain
I create my paradise

Everything I've held
Has hit the wall

Falling apart, and all that I'm asking
Is it a crime, am I overreacting

So what you had didn't fit
Among the pretty things
never fear, never fear
I know now where you've been

Braids have been un-tied
As Ribbons fall away
Leave the consequence
My tears you'll taste

Falling apart and all that I question
Is this a dream or is this my lesson



I don't believe I'll be alright
I don't believe I'll be ok
I do believe you didn't try

When i look in your eyes, I don't see mine

Oh my permission to sin"





IM LOST
I FEEL LIKE IM DROWNNING IN A POOL OF MY OWN BLOOD
WHO AM I WITHOUT YOU
IS THIS RIGHT
I DONT KNOW ANYMORE


IF you feel like you have to lie
when its somthing so small is it ok
Its not ok that i feel like i have to
In a perfect world what would you do, what you take all the little stuff for grounded


"Don't wanna lie, I'm jaded
I wanna scream when inside I'm breaking down
I've left the stone I was under
I'm running home, you won't find him
He walks alone all through this broken town

[Chorus]
Goin' the wrong way down a one way street
Where the feeling is criminal
Nobody helps me out when I believe
Just a look, look, looking for someone like me
Where the feeling is mutual
Can anybody see what I see
Cuz I don't see me

I blow away the ashes
I clear his space to look at him
I found a place where I'll keep you
Cuz I won't live through you or beneth you
I walk this way where these winds won't bring me down
dont, Let me be
Save that love
Don't waste it on me
Cuz if I take a chance
Be my reckonin'"

Cuz I don't see me

so i was looking at my old friends winterformal pictures and this is what i have to say


so much has changes
in the blink of an eye
theirs no going back
but if you could would you try?
theirs no middle ground
with people like that
do you really hate me now??
what am i to you
a mistake with friends?
in the blink of an eye it can all change in a instant
is it wrong to be jealous of old times
when your happy with the right now
am i aloud to have the best of both worlds
you take the good with the bad
but its not fair
i guess lifes not fair
all the good times we had
no more
im looked down upon
totally forgotten
but i cant complain im so happy now
i just feel a little bit of me is incomplete
is it wrong that i feel this way?
is it fair to the people i have now?
i just dont know anymore
but what can i do
theirs no going back in time
but if i could would i?
id like to say no
but if i did would things be better
cause then id realize
that what i have is so much better
my brain goes around in circles
I CANT GO BACK IN TIME
but if i could would i?
the answer IS NO
ive gained so much more
screw them i hate them now
but thats just not true
they were apart of me
but not no more
im better off without them
and i know thats true
if u find love in this world
keep onto it cause its worth it
you have to loose people
eventually
but if you find love
dont you dare loose that

K so its been awhile sence ive updated this so let me just say whats been goin on

Friday-we were late for a party down town and when we got their all the liquer was gone so we stayed at james boyfriends house scott

Saturday- we went to this huge party in point loma i think
4 shots of vodka and two cups of gin(95 proff)and juice(thats right snoop dog gin and juice i was layed back with my mind on my money and my money on my mind)haha had to

Sunday- we were planning on on staying in but we got a call from amanda saying that their was this good party were they were shooting a rap video. So we went when we got their haha the party was in a appartment and they didnt answer the door.....lame then we went to amanda's house and somked hookah and i drank a lil and then we cut this guys hair but shoot i still dont rember his name lets just say me and robert did a damn good job cuttin he looks 10x better

Oh yea sweet my parents are out of town tell monday sweet

it was cool being to hang with Amanda and Mary cause we havent seen them in like forever

Paris Hiltons album should be out soon
thats right all u hatters i already know what your gonna say but hey if i was famous for a porno i would sing to

The week has been pretty good
Friday we went to tysons birthday party were i met jello shots, 3 cups of coke and vodka,and 13 jello shots later was pretty gone blackout blackout!!!
Saturday we went to a white party in mera mesa were their were major asians and good food,had a really bad time and wanted to leave boring ass time and a few hurtfull words later we went to kevins and passed out
Sunday was a kick back day nothin to big but w.e
Monday went to kevins and watched sweet sixteen
Tuesday robert spent the night and we watched ols alias's
Wednesday school and then back to my house for americas next top model
Tommorow well.......lests see if he rembers :(


luv you boy

With more ups then downs at times and sadly more downs at times.......
but i have trust that everything will be ok
this weekend sucked!!!!!!!!
we drove all over san diego to find a party and we never found one
well the last couple days have been kind of hard me and the love intrest have been getting in our fair share of fights....which suck
i dont know why couples fight so much but maybe because when your in love every little thing that the other does effects each other sooo much thats its easy to upset and hurt the other even when its the last thing youd ever want......
i dunno i guess its how we keep each other in check of the do's the donts and everything else
maybe its because its easier to act angry at the molment to show that your actually hurt....
well i love you baby and all this other stuff is worth it as long as its will be their for me

and baby its worth it



LOVE,
JOsh

Pick Up The Pieces

I was adrift
On an ocean all alone
You came and rescued me
When I was far from home

A rush of love around my heart
Just as I fell apart

Nobody ever cared as much for me
Nobody’s touched my heart and healed my pain
You’ve picked up the pieces
And put me back together again

Careful, we’re fragile
And easily we break
In your arms I’m certain
Is all the love we’ll make

A rush of love around my heart
Just as you take my hand

Nobody ever cared as much for me
Nobody’s touched my heart and healed my pain
You’ve picked up the pieces
And put me back together

I’ll write your name in stars across the sky
We’ll drift away into each other’s eyes
Yeah

Nobody ever cared as much for me
Nobody’s touched my heart and healed my pain
You’ve picked up the pieces
And put me back together again

why is it that you hurt the ones closest to you? Maybe because their so close to you that you feel vonerable and weak and safe at the same time. Maybe because you love them so much that you let your fears stay inside out of being scared to hurt them. Youd rather lie to them and make them feel your allright them hurt them out of your insucurities and fears. Maybe its because you love them so much youd never want them to feel bad, so you keep all your fears inside until finally their to much and you act harshly to make your self feel better. You let all you fears cloud your judjement and act harshly to feel better, to feel like you dont care and are ok. When thats not the case......ive made mistakes and im trying to work on them im new and nieve somtimes i care more bout my pain then anyone elses somtimes, but thats only human. I need to start being more open to you and talk to you bout my fears,worries,and problems with you,instead of finding molmentary closure in others....i need to change i know that but we both need to work on these things because we both need to grow. I feel like with each bad experience theirs light at the end of then tunnel. Hell it took the worst experience in my life to finally be able to meet you,with out all those hardships i would of never met you. Im thankfull that ive gone through all these tough times because i feel in then end they'll make us better and grow into a bigger and better couple.

I love you baby and am so thankfull your taking me back i appologize to those few others that i hurt out of my own fears and worries i realize that i lost your trust too, and that kills me.

I leave with this song

Have You Ever?
Brandy

Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried the words
But they don't come out right
Have you ever, have you ever

Have you ever been in love
Been in love so bad
You'd do anything to make them understand
Have you ever had someone steal your heart away
You'd give anything to make them feel the same
Have you ever searched for words to get you in their heart
But you don't know what to say
And you don't know where to start

Have you ever found the one
You've dreamed of all your life
You'd do anything to look in their eyes
Have you finally found the one you've given your heart to
Only to find that one won't give their heart to you
Have you ever closed your eyes and
Dreamed that they were there
And all you can do is wait for that day when they will care

What do I gotta do to get you in my arms baby
What do I gotta do to get in your heart
To make you understand how I need you next to me
Gotta get you in my world
'Coz baby I can't sleep

WOW tonight just all aroung awesome
started of kinda crappy cause robert couldnt pick me up soooooo i went and chilled with jeanna
it was awesome we got to catch up and was soo much fun but.... i missed my baby
so round 8 robbie finally picked me up we went back to his house and "downloaded music" lol......
then we went to my house were we watched 13 going on 30
it was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
awesome then we played star wars we yes i did kick ass
but the last 10 mins when we went out and i smoked a cigerette
it meant sooo much we were both so chummy and lovey it was the greatest thing
To whom this may concern......
if its even possible with every growing day i fall deeper and deeper in love with you
yes best day ever and im sure im making you all wanna vomite
I LOVE YOU BABE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
<3 JOsh

Its 2 days tell my b-day and yeah im excited im sooooooo happy right now im in love with the perfect boyfriend who has everything looks,charm,charisma,brains,and understanding........im sooo lucky i feel bad for everyone else who does not have the complete package when we first got together i didnt see a future never saw it coming this far, but i was wrong and will gladly admit it this has been a perfect week and us hanging out everyday is all i want i hope its not to much for you
I love you with all my heart!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
U and ME baby always and forever i see us having a future together i hope you do too




<3
-JOsh

I cant get this picture out of my head you geting drunk and dancying with another guy that thought is haunting me it was the hole way you did it first promising to call me and i wait up for 2 hours waiting for your calls and u never call, then u decide to go to a party and get drunk knowing that i would care how could you do that to me? Then worst of all you lie to me 5 times first it was just the girls,then it was he tried dancying with you and ubacked off right away, then it was for 10secs for u to realize, then you were so drunk it took a lil while to realize he was dancying, and now you say that u were dancying with him for 5 mins. How could you lie to me u say u didnt want to get me mad is that how u want this relationship to work? I have to be honest with u no matter what but you can lie to me? We can have lies in our relationship as long as its to your advantage? I cant get this out of my mind im trying but it kills me i can see it all u getting drunk you get so flirtatious when u get drunk, andi know how you dance and its pretty sexual, if im the only one for you and mean so much to you how could you do that to me? Ill end with this "what you dont know cant kill you" thats not true its what you keep from me to save me from getting hurt that kills me

Hey all(3 people) so im back from minnesota which wasant as fun as it could been cause the hole!!!!!!!!!time i missed my baby well feels great to be back hope i can pick up where we all left off
peace
josh

So yeah im going to minnesota in 4 days......i cant believe it came up so soon!!!it scares the crap out of me i cant go a few hours with out missing my baby let a lone 8,9 days it sucks soooo bad these last few days have been hard for the both of us ohh yea last night i got alchol poisining and hypervenilated all morning plus the party went bad too and it was kinda my fault which makes me feel like shit well at least the last few days im home were gonna make it the best ever!!!!
love you babe
<3
josh

SO yea the last 3 months have been soooo awesome i like to look back at like the first time we met at the living room and our long walk i love for thatcrap just got dropped off and was bored so i decided to write a lil bit but other that that im going to minnesota in 2 weeks which sucks....i mean it will be really fun but, im gonna miss my baby
less then 3
<3
josh

So right now im on the phone with robbie and been bored waiting for him to get out of the shower and it led me to making a livejournal and now to this so today i hung with robbie and amanda it was fun i got to hear the awesome news about thongs lol, and then she had these awful migraines and i think she has brain anurisims(no doctor dont know how to spell it) and she agreed that i was going to die of lung cancer its awesome thus the user name look_im_dying well thats all for now p.s my moms crazy